1、 better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
2、 crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
3、 did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
4、 evening news is where they begin with ’good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
5、 good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
6、 how is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
7、 if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
8、 light travels faster than sound. this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9、 men have two emotions: hungry and horny. if you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
10、 my mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
11、 the main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
12、 the voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
13、 women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
14、a bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
15、a bus station is where a bus stops. a train station is where a train stops. on my desk, i have a work station..
16、a clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 17、a computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
18、children: you spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
19、i didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
20、i discovered i scream the same way whether i’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
21、i saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "guess" on it...so i said "implants?"
22、i thought i wanted a career, turns out i just wanted paychecks.
23、if god is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
24、if i agreed with you we’d both be wrong. 25、if you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
26、knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
27、laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
28、never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
29、politicians and diapers have one thing in common. they should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
30、sex is not the answer. sex is the question. "yes" is the answer.